Is This What I Want?

Ok, so, moi being a 39 year old last Sunday feels that it is high time to do a little bit extra thinking about what I want in short term, mid term and long term. Not that I havent done it before but I guess this time around these things need a little extra time to decide with a more firmer decision.

I guess for the last many, many months when things have gone a bit settled from my previous life, I have concluded that I have found a new life again. Starting everything (well, almost everything) from a clean slate makes things easier in perspective. There are still baggages no doubt but not so many that may cripple my daily life.

There are a few decisions that I make have to make in the next few days, weeks and months. I think most singles, especially single moms and dads out there will definitely have drawn out at least something that resembles a planning like mine. A few things that may make all the differences in single moms and dads are, perhaps will look like follows:

1. The children - stuff that will make every single moms and dads having sleepless nights. As much as they have love/hate or hate/hate relationships with the exes, I believe the special bonding with the children can never be compromised in any way possible as they are your responsibilities the minute they enter the world, through your action 9 months before that. I spent a good deal thinking how I could raise Lyn is a better environment, better education. I also dont want her to be shackled with perceptions thrown in by some of the ex in-laws who had nothing better to do than telling her that it was her fault her daddy had a heart attack. These are the very same people who wanted her to live with them so that she could be in a “better environment”. I wish I could shield her from all of these spiteful, toxic adults (of which I have managed to, so far) forever, but knowing the fact that I cant, just tear me to pieces each time I think of it.
2. Career - the fact that I was a business owner for decades and for reasons only I know and wish to keep, at least for the moment, and have decided to enter into the working environment again left me with so much to ponder about financial issues. Somehow, I know that, I may have to really push myself again, knowing that I am now mentally more prepared to face the challenges that the business world are giving out. And hopefully, I may reap the reward as how it was.
3. Love life - what can I say? Life alone is what it is - alone.  I am definitely pretty happy with the alone-time I have. This means I am not conforming to other people’s expectations on what to wear (or not wear) while doing the dishes, or laundry, or give a hoot whether I decide to snooze at 3pm on a Saturday. It has been colourful enough but I think it would add to the colours if I can share it with someone. And that comes to the next issue - can I compromise another person in my life now that I am contented with myself. A relationship needs to be built with love and trust and with time, it cannot be forced. Thats what a friend said to me recently. I am really in no hurry to re marry but somehow I do believe that I should have (when there is) a more substance in a friendship so that I know which direction I should be taking. To see whether is this person is worth the investment in time so that I can make my decision within a span of say….3 months?

I honestly dont know the answer.