Closure

Finally, we both have a closure of what we have gone through on Monday, 28 January 2008, 0945 hours..

There, I have said it.

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Looks like someone is doing a little legwork on me for past two days and obviously he/she landed on my blog. Wonders what was he/she looking for? I cant be that famous to warrant this googling or anything. I am sure Ive paid my parking tickets and is certainly not running away from the Income Tax Department.

But hey, at least my curry flavoured condom is making a good progress but wonder why would anyone is soooooooo curious about making out in the toilet..? And it has to land on my page?

Cuts Both Ways

It cuts both ways
Our love is like knife
That cuts both ways
Its driven deep into my heart each time
That I realize
How it cuts both ways
Cant be together
Cannot live apart
We’re heading straight into a broken heart
But I cant stop

Cause I feel too much to let you go
I’m hurting you and its hard I know
To stay and fight for what we’ve got
Knowing it will never be good enough
Cause you and I are dangerous
We want too much and life aint that way
Dont ask for more
Dont be a fool
Havent we already broken every rule

It cuts both ways, we’re in too deep for sorry alibis
Cant have regrets or even question why
We cant say goodbye
Because it cuts both ways
No more illusions of the love we make
No sacrifice would ever be too great
If you would just stay

Cuts both ways
Our love is like a knife that cuts both ways
Its driving deep into my heart each time I see we living the lie
And it cuts both ways
It cuts both ways
Cuts both ways
Cuts both ways

~~Gloria Estafan

Malay Mentality, Or What?

I chose “what”. Not quite sure about the Malay mentality though.

I am talking about all the dimwitted advisors that seems to surround you when you and your ex are trying to make some coherent, sane, balanced, informed and mutual decisions in a divorce.

Either way, most of them seems to be some stupid stuff:

  1. most likely to come from either side or both sides of the families (MIL, SIL, mother, sister, uncles, aunties and the entire village including the chicken and goats)
  2. highly charged emotional outbursts accompanying some unwarranted choiced words
  3. more choiced words with historical backgrounds from the day each partner being conceived in the womb
  4. that the divorcing couple should be squabbling and cat fighting over every single sen, cats, furniture, kids, stocks, bonds, shares, cars, bedsheets and toothbrushes in the marital home
  5. and that none of them are actually helping but was merely contributing to the noise pollution….

 What the fuck is wrong with you people?

From my observation, usually this kind of stupid mentality only happens in the Malay family. PLEASE correct me if I am wrong. 

Pleih!

Doing Whats Right

To do what you need to do and what you want to do are two totally different things. To do whats right might be even harder because usually it is not what you need or want to do.

Life can be funny at times. God, circumstances, people around you just keep on testing your ground to do all of these, pushing you to the edge of boundary, making you look deeper inside yourself.

For the past few months I found out one thing – that doing the right thing is exactly that – doing the right thing, for you and for the people that you care and love. It might be a damn shitty decision but needs to be done. Not everyone would share the same sentiment and most would not agree. Plenty of unwarranted advisors but none are helpful.

You have to be cruel to be kind.

At the end of the day, all is well.

Shitty sometimes but well.

Healing The Wound

Sometimes you feel that the heavens will fall down on your shoulders and the earth seems to open up and swallow your whole being. This is when you will know who your true friends are. I realised when one is undergoing a major crisis in her life, everything seems to go wrong. The car seems to breakdown at rush hour, the electricity bill seems higher, kids get sick, you get sick in the middle of the night, the Banker forgot to tell you certain charges on your loan application and the Landlord decides to sell the house youve been staying for so long.

You feel so screwed you thought you’d going to drop dead and noone will know.

But somehow I do believe things eventually will work and The Power works in such mysterious ways. In weird ways, true friends will suddenly appear and offer assistance in all sorts of ways – job offers, financial assistance, business opportunities, and most of all, moral support. Suddenly things are looking brighter and more promising.

I could never thank enough all of them who have given their support in so many ways and in no way I could ever repay their kindness except with gratitude. I found that strangers could become friends, some old friendships are reinforced and relatives rediscovered.

I have told my daughter once that life is like a scar. It was painful when you first got the cut. It  was raw and bleeding, but somehow with time it will heal. When it heals, the scar would still be there but you will always remember when and how you first got it.

This is what I am doing right now. Nursing my wound and waiting for it to heal. I am not quite sure for how long but I know it will always be there to serve as a reminder what my life is all about.

What Moves You?

Good question.

I have more ways than one but somehow a conversation with a friend, L, yesterday makes me stopped dead in my track and think. He asked me to look for Steve Job’s infamous speech and reflect the contents. He said it was one of the best speeches he ever read, and soul stirring.

I was intrigued. What possibly could be so soul stirring in a speech that could move my straight-thinking IT based friend?

For a full transcript of the speech, you can read it here.

Reflecting back, I could see where I fit into his piece of story. Life has not been easy but somehow you will have to look back and start to think whether does the dots connect at one point.

Looking back, it did make sense.

More Pet Peeves And Life’s Little Pleasures

Since joting down a list of my pet peeves the other day, I realised I do have more of them. It is pretty weird how certain things would just nag at the back of your head and wont let you go..However, certain things in life do make up for all these let-downs and I call it – balancing out. In life, I found out, everything comes in pairs – good and bad, woman and man, sunrise and sunset, black and white, hot and cold, big and small, pleasure and pain..

Here are more stuff to digest:

  1. I like stuff that challenge my ability to think creatively
  2. I strive on compliments
  3. I strive on challenges and love the adrenaline rush
  4. Food always brings about some memories – first date, my daughter..stuff like that. 
  5. Never fond of smokers as I think they invade my personal space. But living in this world left me with not much choice but to have a certain level of tolerance, and this is fine with me.
  6. Never fond of people who thinks highly of themselves, the do-no-wrong kind of attitude. I am generally a nice person but this kind of bunch makes me upset.
  7. Bad service in upmarket restaurants. Bad. Bad. Bad. Here I am paying RM50 for your piece of steak and I still have to waive and waive for your waiting staff to refill my water. I said, “Warm water please”. The glass came back with ice water…WTF?
  8. Here I am paying RM50 for your piece of steak and the platter is chipped, the cutleries are arranged wrongly and I can see finger prints on your glass..
  9. Queue jumpers. Boy….this should be placed high among the highest stressful event that I need to keep my sanity checked. Doesnt mean you are holding one bloody piece of item give you the right to jump to the front! I have been known to pull a lady’s cart back to the end of the line, gave her a piece of my mind AND went back to the cashier for being a mute and not telling the lady shes jumping queue THEN went back home and wrote to the particular Management of the hypermarket offering them discounted Customer Service Training modules.
  10. I did the same to a 5 star hotel in Malacca.
  11. And another in Johor Bahru…
  12. …and a few more in Kuala Lumpur..
  13. I am not good at keeping choiced words to myself when pissed off in being badly treated in a hospitality environment. The word itself explains it all…..hospitality industry…..
  14. Sales Personnel who looks at me up and down as if I cant buy anything off from the rack (reminds me of Pretty Woman)
  15. I love airplanes and airports. Ive heard horror stories from fellow travellers and yet still do not deter me from enjoying the sights and sounds in airplanes and airports. With an exception to stepping in LCT which has all the annoying smell that insults all my senses..I really dont mind airports. KLIA I think offers one of the best airport experiences Ive ever had especially in the Satellite Building.
  16. Hotel rooms..simply love to bunk in a hotel room. The bed seems softer, the pillows seems fluffier. And look at those vanity supplies in the bathroom!

Going To A War

I read somewhere that house shifting has the equivalent of stress level with divorce and death. Imagine that.

Yeap, thats right, I shall be house moving in not too far days ahead. There are boxes and boxes of stuff in each room at house at the moment as I type this away in a nearby local bistro, trying desperately to block the awful thought of going back home and having to see all those things. The coffee cup had been refilled 4 times and I think I wil manage to get OD-ed with cafein within the next hour or so.

It is like going to a war, complete with a battle plan. The list is endless and I am going bonkers and yet trying so hard to keep it under control. So far I think I have managed to settle the packing bits to under control. Next would be to write to the various banks, cable company, telephone provider, reward cards provider etc etc ..on the new mailing address. That, I suppose may take a while and come at the bottom list so it is still not in red alert zone.

After living in the present house close to 2 years, I didnt realised that there were many small things that I have hoarded. There are those little vanity hotel room supplies accummulated during my extensive travels some time back. I really dont know what to do with those stuff. Clothes..they are filled to the max in the 6-door wardrobe. I have packed away most of them and only leaving the essentials for days to come, and yet, somehow, they still look a lot..hmm…

The items in the kitchen are still unpacked and I think I am reserving this for the weekend. The cats’ cages have been cleaned and ready to go with its owners.

I think I need another round of coffee and roti bakar.

All these thoughts of house shifting make me hungry. More posts in the new few days on this exciting new phase in my life.

Trust And Faith

Sometimes I tend to look back and realised that once in a while we put forth our faith and trust in a situation or a person so completely we forget that we should evaluate the scenario once in a while from deep inside ourselves. A friend told me that maybe it would be a good idea once in a while we just try not to be in complete control over the future so that we can fully enjoy the present moment. Not an easy thing if you’re from where I came from.

I dont know how to react to this statement.

I got married when I was pretty young, 21 years old to be exact. He was 26. We got married after a long friendship that spanned over 7 years. Looking at where I came from, it was a very difficult decision that I ever made. My parents were divorced, three times mind you (yeah…different post on this one..maybe) and the pain, confusion and loneliness just hit you like nobody’s business. I guess it was more of the pain and confusion that make me apprehensive about a committed relationship such as a marriage and I vowed that I would never get into that situation – ever.

But, I guess God has other plans. We weathered the marriage for the longest time, going through the motion without addressing any real issues that cropped up. We averted issues by not discussing it at all. It was up to a point where I would be writing what I felt, all pent up inside, on a piece of paper then bringing it home and carelessly leaving it on the dresser as if wanting him to find out what I felt inside.

I was scared that I might get old alone. I needed someone to be with.

I had faith that when I plunged myself in a marriage, I trusted that I would have someone to love and to cherish me till the day I die. I had faith in the little instituition we built. But not all were rose tinted I do realise now.

You need more than faith, trust and love to survive in a relationships.

You need communication – a good whole dose of it! You need to communicate what is inside you without fear. Besides who who would be the best person to know your innermost secret that your life partner who were supposed to weather any storm in life or wake up to the sunshine in the morning, together with you.

The minute you have the fear to express what is deep inside you, then you know there is something more than what is above the surface.

Why do you have that fear? Is it because of its possible retribution? Fear that your partner might no longer look at you in how you want him to? Lost your desirability? Attractiveness? Now he will only sees you with all your faults and not as the perfect person? What if you initiate something new in the bedroom and just when you get cosy your partner asked you, “Where did you learn this?”, when you both knew that it is an exclusive relationship?

Maybe another scenario may take that the initiating partner did have some sort of that experience and is now wanting to please the new parner. She may feel a bit intimidated and fear that he might think she has gone a little easy in the past. Tricky question with and equally tricky answer.

Male and female without doubt has weird mind set up altogether. What a man might consider as little issues may not be the case for the woman. Now, heres the tricky bit. The man might not express his thoughts as clearly as possible thinking the woman might read his mind. The woman in return, may think that he is not communicative enough of his feelings and thus making it difficult for her to understand why the man is so aloof when at home after work.

Men generally are difficult to express their feelings about certain issues, I found out.

Women tend to flock together to discuss what or how they feel over issues.

Typical scenario may look like this:

Man to man over a new hair cut

Man 1: “New hair cut?”

Man 2: “Yeah”

End of conversation.

Woman to woman over a new hair cut

Woman 1: “Wow! Is that a new hair cut??”

Woman 2: “Yes! Do you like it?”

Woman 1: “It looks great! Where is this hairdresser? The new styling brings out your best features.”

Woman 2: “Thanks…(giggles)..I could give you the number and check out the place. Maybe we could go together next time?”

…..And it goes on and on and on…

See the difference?