WTF Are You Saying?

The profile in your online dating site can either can give you a breakthrough in finding that soul partner, or make you the joke of the day. You will start wondering why on earth you still havent gotten a wink or email or worse still, someone might have sent you an email and asks, ‘”are you for real??!”

Oish…

So…after skimming through a good number of profiles, I am quite convinced that online dating sites may be okay..but not for me. On the other hand, another friend came in defence of online dating sites, saying  that it saves the hassle of wading through all the “rubbish” in real life. Wow! Strong word coming from someone who is 24…I would have kept it at having “kissing so many frogs to find the Prince..”.

Some of the profiles that can run for Oscar For The WTF Are You Saying, in no specific order of atrocity or censorship:

Coming from a 45 year old guy……”good looking and can understand eachother, socialable not moneyminded cause i am not rich.  experience in sex life cause i am still learning. must be rich so that i need not spend too much if we are together. i am not cheap but honest donot want you laies to disapointed….”

My WTF translation: Ok…so this dude wants someone who is good looking and is a great mind reader. The gal of his dream must also be able to go hit the social scenes at all the various mamak stalls in the city as clubbing may be a tad too expensive for his pocket. Must have been had sex before and be good at it so that she can teach her all the hot moves. Oh yea…on top of being a hot, brainy, sex goddess, she must be rich as well to support him as well as he doesnt come cheap. (grabbing an airbag to puke)

“…..I like to make love and make fun in a same time with a woman whose realy understand what I like… “. On his favourite hot spot, “…..I like to stay in my house…”. On his favourite things, “…..Eating, Sports and woman”.

My WTF translation: he likes his sex and that the same being macho that he is, he will teach his woman to give him more more more as only his satisfation is important. Unless his house in built like a real dreamhouse that commands a view worth millions, this guy can be a real cheapskate as well judging from his favourite spot. And the fact that one of his fav things is “woman” makes me grabbing another airbag to puke.

Well, this 50 year old guy describes himself as “happy go lucky guy” and that he “likes to c tv and hav some drinks. would like to correspond with matured indepent ladies and msn. ladies who enjoy drinking and like to visit places. matured ladies with no committment. willing to correspond and make friends. flirting ok …”

My WTF translation: um…..ok…..(puke puke)

Now…the winner of the day…

TAAA DAAAAAAAAAA………….*CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!*

This 43 year old guy says his woman of his dream shoud be “….Smart but not excell. looking for future partner..if possible young lady but rich who can support me forever. i’m little bit particulars in everything related to my life. best is to listen to me if you don’t know anything about life. i’m still studying about life. my walking with simple life. however my future partner should be sophisticated and excellent in the way of islamic view. be patient with me…i love woman, cool one. tq”

Mt WTF translation: think I can get 5 kg off by puking today…sorry, need to rush to the bathroom now

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I See The Crossroad (And A Bridge)

When I wrote about facing a crossroad recently, deep at the back of my mind I had the best intention to let nature takes its course in my life. I did. And oh boy, did nature takes its time to make me realise a few things.

Human nature seldoms change, as much as they like to think they do. Sometimes they do change but for the sake of that particular moment – to earn, manipulate or maybe to gain something. They didnt realise that sometimes they hurt people who love them.

 

All The Little Stupid Things

Sometimes all the little things in life make all the difference in a relationship. It doesnt have to be anything so major like…um..putting up a shed for the shoes and handbags, or expensive trips (though this could be nice..), or having an entire Lafite  of  Shangri-La Hotel culinary team cooking a storm for your dinner (although this could be a FANTASTIC IDEA).

But, you know, some stuff are real duh stuff… as well. I am surprised that all these things can sometimes escape a guy.

So, heres the little things:

  • That my daughter still rules my time. Dig this big time.
  • Remembering my birthday.
  • Remember to introduce me by my name when we bumped into your friends and not just making some “eh”,”err” or any other vague sounding thing that is barely audible
  • Insisting to check on my phone list AND my text messages.
  • Insisting that my work clothes is revealing and that I wear something more…conservative. Excuse me? Since when are you the morale police?
  • Friend Finder me to double check whether I was telling the truth when I said I am at home.
  • Going out for dinner and started to order for me. How the heck do you know what I want to eat unless you are a mind reader?
  • You oogle and undress at everything in skirt that passes you by -while with me- and thinks this is perfectly okay for a guy to do.
  • Describing every little intimate things you had with your ex gfs, even describing their orgasms. I appreciate the honesty but not stupidity like this. Besides, if those thoughts still turn you on or make your eyes glaze still, then go back to them. You are obviously with a wrong person.
  • Mentioning exs names in random order. Once or twice  is ok. But when the list seems to get a little…longer by the day, ….dont I get suspicious?
  • Exs should be mentioned sparingly. Thats why they are exs.
  • That you keep your health certificate up to date.
  • Insisting to meet all of my families and relatives and yet offending them by telling that you will bolt out of the door should someone ask you of the special date. Theres none now by the look of it. 

 

The Non-Anniversary

18 years ago today marked the day when two young birds gotten hitched after 7 years of courting. The whole entire village were there to celebrate. Infact, it was the wedding of the year for the bride’s side. Never again, not until this coming October 2008, that there will be another wedding of that sort has ever been performed.

A huge, fat buffalo went to the butchers to feed the visitors and well wishers. Ten huge couldrons were brimming with all the rendangs and nasi minyak cooked by an army team of Chefs headed by an auntie who specialises in Malay traditional feasts were there.

Pretty amazing really. The bride wore a splendid maroon traditional songket baju kurung with full headgear and the groom had a matching traditional songket baju melayu Pahang with full regalias and a songkok. The previous day, the bride had a simple ceremony of Adat Berinai among close families and to mark that her days as a single is coming to an end.

Middle of the night. The bride was in the ceremonial room with her Best Girl, sitting across 7 silver trays, admiring the beautiful wedding gifts which would be exchanged with 5 silver trays from the groom the next day.

18 years ago. Nostalgic.

Dating Single Mom 101

My friend, Anita wrote a great piece about how single mom sometime have the hesitation to go out to date again and feels that they have to wait till the children grow up. Thats a bit tough when you have young kids. It feels as if its almost a life time to wait for your date! Most of my blogger friends have young children and its pretty fascinating to learn how they juggle their time to squeeze those dates or sexy times in between those nappy change, playskul, work or fever downtime.

Now, what if that single mom has teenagers?

Knowing for a fact that you cannot hide a lot of things anymore from them unlike when they were younger, all these can get pretty tricky especially when you want to have some quiet time.

Some men never had the experience in dating single moms . This is an entirely different ballgame altogether. Unlike dating real singles, single moms’ time are mostly centred around their children, doesnt matter at what stage or age their children are.  Lyn who is coming to 17 this October has a few thoughts of her own about the dating scenes, especially so when it comes to her mama…

A few wise words to those men out there who feel up to the challenge of dating single mom:

1) Remember – most of your girl’s time doesnt belong to them. It belongs to her children. Feel free not to be offended when you know there are is a 4’10”, 40kg, 15 year old kid who will win her time for anything, anytime, at all.

2) Be prepared to be rushed through a dinner, or worse still, to be left at the dinner table simply because her teenager couldnt get the movie ticket she wanted and now has no transport to go back home, alone.

3) That picking up the mobile during a preclusion of a hot date is totally necessary. And, forgiveable. You might never know when you have to drive your single mom date to the police station to pick her daughter who might have been picked up while riding pillon with a friend who has no license.

4) Single moms’ lives with teenagers revolve their universe around the children. Dig this well. They could be fixing a day and time for you but the minute the teenager’s evening Maths tuition class is cancelled because of the rain, all plans are out of the window.

5) Family meals are sacred to single moms and their teenagers. More sacred than your evening walk in the park, holding hands under the stars with their mom. When the teenager says, “Mom, I really like having dinner with you tonite instead of going to Aunt Agnes’s house…”, and she said this just 2 hours away from YOUR dinner with her mom, accept this with graciousness instead of some sarcastic remark, “Oh, so now your teenager rules you.” Single mamas are sensitive and you can see yourself being shown the door, or lack of it, faster than you can spell “date”, and not see her anymore. Ever.

Trust me, your graciousness will be rewarded multiple times when the right times come along.

6)  Remember, teenagers have a mind of their own and not necessarily congruent with the rest of the family either. Thats why they paint their nails black, have their hair cropped and chopped, and then highlighted with pink. But, they are also smart and know-all. They can smell you and your bad intentions. Leave your “player” attitude at home, far away. Their moms may like you but her opinion doesnt really matter now.

7) You cannot compete with their dads. Period. So, you can smell better, have the walls to your condo covered with degrees than you can count, make better money or drive better car. The fact remains that their dads are always better than you. Try different angle to win their hearts. Learn of their interests. Do they swim? Outdoor activities? Does the teenage girl loves pinkish stuff bears? Does the 16 year old boy likes gadget stuff? Small things like these matters. Shows that you care for them as well as you of their mama.

8) Do not be too touchy, feely infront of them. Unless of course the relationship has been going on for a while and you know you have been accepted by the entire troup. Teenagers have weird ways to show their disapproval of these sorts of behaviour. They lack understanding that their mamas are human beings too. A woman. To them a mama, is that. A mama. And should behave like one. Leave your sticky fingers till later.

In My Free Time…

In my free time, I’d like to think about:

  • why on earth I itch when the aircond is too cold especially when I am busy surfing away in Starbucks.
  • why the Starbucks in Kota Damansara stays open till 11pm on weekedays. ;-(
  • there are 45 steps to go up to my apartment and yet my thighs still look the same and not as buffed as I had anticipated they will be after 3 months
  • I cant get my teenager to clean her room
  • Rexton The Cat at home who weights as 5.5KG hides under the blanket when theres thunder in the sky or heavy rain
  • generally the bikers in KL wear spiffy jackers and helmet and yet some wear slippers and not riding boots. Rating drops like a 10 kilo steel that fell in Klang River.
  • why does some of the Malaysian girls who has Mat Saleh boyfriends wear something so slutty than girls in Phat Phong area?
  • I cry hopelessly watching Ghost for the umpteeth time
  • I still have to rummage for my housekeys in the wrong handbag compartment everytime
  • Why Starbucks staff greet customers in a loud sing-song manner.
  • Why Shakey’s pizza bike dispatchers have death wish by riding like a maniac on the road
  • the tudong-wearing lady still bitching loud as she can as if shes the perfect human being , ever, alive
  • aunties and uncles are asking when is the next wedding plan, as if I have any around the corner
  • Guardian Pharmacy staff greets me, “Hello, Welcome To Guardian” but has their eyes elsewhere. Did they just sprouted 3rd eye behind their heads?
  • Roadside burger stall guys has no problem smoking while flipping burgers
  • People who sells food stuff and have their small children with runny nose standing next to the food trays. Ewwww..
  • KFC chicken tastes great eaten in their restaurants than eaten at home?
  • some people who work in advertising firms loves the “fXXK” word and uses it liberally? Most are obnoxious too up to the point of not treating other people as human being. Has the creativity get the better to them? Or could it they are too creative to think of other word and left theit civility behind?
  • most band boys think its cool to use drugs and lead unhealthy lives. Does being creative give them the license to be invincible?

 

 

An Open Letter To Ms Diatta

Dear Ms Diatta

I honestly dont know whats your real name but I know sometimes you introduce yourself as Selina Diatta, Anita Diatta, among other names. Or perhaps you have many siblings?

Each day when I open up my blog stat, I see that the search engine has locked in your name as top search. Wonderful. It doesnt help that you claimed that you hailed from either Ivory Coast, Guinea, Nigeria or some other exotic sounding African country.

So, can I ask you a question? How much money have you really made from all these people? I mean, really? If Im not mistaken, the percentage of someone actually replying back to an unsolicited email like yours is only 15%. Here I am thinking about the Law Of Average…hmmm…..wow…now that was some quantity of emails you have sent….do you get cramped fingers?

Anyways, thanks for writing in and offering me those millions but sorry, with the current unpegging Ringgit to the US Greenbacks, I get pretty jittery especially when I just calculated how much of tax Ive to pay when I declare my income. On top of that, I have to declare to Bank Negara where on earth and from what source I gained this money from. I am not THAT creative to explain to them that it came from my long, lost, great uncle from my mother’s cousin’s aunty.

See where the problem is?

Ok, take care for now.

Cheers!

H

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2008-05-20

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2008-05-19

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2008-05-18

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2008-05-17

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2008-05-16

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Jackass 101

Mexican donkey freed after acting like a jackass.

Blacky the Mexican Donkey was jailed for three days for biting and kicking two men at a ranch outside Tuxtla Gutierrez. The owner was was fined for $36 and an additional $115 hospital bills for the two victims.

I wonder what had Blacky learnt while staying behind the bars?

My mind rolled towards my purr-babies at home. They are real bunch of naughties and hyper during play time. Cutie The Blacky was known to dangle from the other end of the curtain towards the other end. Bubble and Princess have no problem what.so.ever to race through down the hall towards kitchen, knocking down dining chairs while doing that.

Comel was known to be protective over her litters by biting the ankle of my friend, Yati and pushing her towards the front door.

And Comel stayed there.

What if I lock them up in the cage for a few days for each “naughtiness” they do? What would the think, if they ever think at all? What lesson have they learnt while “behind the bars”?

Or, they might have said to me in meow language, “Mama, dont forget to change the sand for the poopoo, okay? Oh yeah, by the way, more fresh water please while you are at it?”

Yeah…my furr-babies..

Some Men, Compared…

Puppies.
They’re cute at first, but you soon tire of picking up their crap.

Remote controls.
Chances are you’ll find them lying by the TV.

Parking spaces at a popular mall.
The good ones are all taken.

Computers.
In order to get their attention, you must first turn them on.

Fine wine.
They take a long time to mature.

Oatmeal.
If they sit too long, they become lumpy.

Mascara.
They run at the first sign of tears.

Silverware.
They on appear only when there is food on the table.

Cats.
Only moving objects get their attention.

Dogs.
They take up too much space on the bed..

Fish.
They’re easy to catch with food.

Text Messages.
The shorter the message, the easier it is for them to understand

Bees.
They like to pollenate more than one flower.

 

 

Online Dating Lesson

Saturday night and I am spending my few hours here in Starbucks Uptown sipping my latte. The network is not so reliable as it tends to drop at the oddest time. I am so so tempted to write to Berjaya who owns the franchise.

The Seafarer is still away in Frankfurt for the next couple of weeks and Lyn is jamming in a nearby a studio. Browsing through the net, I found an article and how to spot telltales of a married man when you start online dating. Written by Kelli Bailor, the facts presented hit me straight on the nose that it gave me goosebumps as I recall clearly my own experience peddling luke-warmly in this department. I have never thought online dating can be as succesful as it sounded.

A few fellow single mom and dad bloggers out there have also had their fare share of online dating but most would say the same thing- that its not really working.

Some of the spot-on in the articles says that a married man usually doesnt have their picture posted on the site incase someone might noticed them. This is definitely a no brainer but gullible women still fall into this trap. What about when your new date asked of your number but never offered theirs back? To make matter more interesting, even when you have their mobile number, you can never seem to be able to contact them and always had to resort to leaving messages.

Yes, get the pattern now?

Now, think back when was the last he actually took you around to meet and show off to his friends and family? If you have started to think that it was only you who had initiated this move, girl, think harder and if you have to, start asking for an answer.

It is better to know now than to know later when it is harder to lay off your cheating married man and you start compromising on your own values.