There are clues to what ever happens in any relationships, but you are just too blind to recognize them. They are there, just waiting to explode and then next thing you know, the relationships ends, and there is nothing you can do but to retreat into your own little world, mourning for the loss of your hope in love. You hope and pray that he will see the childish misdeed and call you to say how much you are missed and that all are forgiven.
It is not as easy as that. You do recognize the pattern, as you have been doing the same thing again and again. So what to do in this instance? I certainly have no idea on how to solve this but I do now know and recognize that certain pattern for me, on how I, without knowing it have been self-sabotaging newly created and promising relationships.
One of the issues in relationships is trust. People say trust is given and earned, not expected and demanded. For me, trust is something you have to proof. Not an easy thing to do as the next question is, what is there to do to gain my trust? A friend told me I have always started a friendship/relationships with no trust whatsoever and work backwards. How can that be, you may ask? So with this extreme distrust, I have almost assumed that a promising boyfriend will eventually leave me in the next few months, or that a new friend will betray me in some sort of ways.
Enjoy the journey!
The same friend also told me that to be in a relationship and in love, you need to also let go, enjoy the journey. Yes you may bump into the occasional wall and hit a few bumps, but enjoy the journey nevertheless. It is like travelling in a car during a holidays, she said. You tend to get upset over small matters that you fail to see the lovely shade of trees that lined the streets, or the green fields that you had just passed. You are too busy worrying about the occassional potholes or the bumps on the road that you ignore the cool air of the countryside. Something like that.
Are you freedom phobic?
Deep phobia of commitment is another issue.
To most singles, letting go of their freedom may be one of the main reasons they tend to feel like running away each time their new-found partner wants to “take it to the next level”. It sure does feel like there is almost an imaginary shackle being put around your ankles , and you have to drag these all around you. In your mind, “There goes my weekend outing with the girls”, or “What if I suddenly feel bored with him in next 3 months??”. God forbid!
Worse still, you feel that now your own space is getting smaller and smaller. Which, brings me to the next point.
I certainly enjoy my single-dom life at the moment. To me, my personal space is very important. I dislike having to create 80% of my daily schedules around another person although this does not count my daughter. She knows that I will make my time for her. I also enjoy the solitude in the bathroom for example. But can the other prospective partner understand this? I work 5 days a week, 9am to 6pm and sometimes slightly more. I travel a lot too for work. Lyn has busy schedules as well and by the time we reach home, it usually is around 8.30pm or so. Social life has taken a slight seat at the back and I really dont mind it a bit. The last thing I want to hear is the partner whines about me not contacting him for the last 2 hours or so.
You try to justify in whatever that you do but you fail to realise that it was not about the non-contact for the last 2 hours. Think back about the accumulated days that you fail to communicate with your partner. Really communicate, talk, sit down. Not short texts asking, “Where 4 dinner?”. You dont count that as communication.
Make time to talk. And dont be judgmental during this sacret time. You dont want to argue and fight in this intimate hour as you will kill the whole concept of communication. Without you knowing it, you are as good as self-sabotaging the relationships each time you create that tension.
Be silly with each other
Send silly texts to each other. My friend, M, usually receives some really cute texts from her hubby at noon. Thats when hubby waits at their youngest child’s school gate, and with a few minutes to kill, he usually sends her some really funny, witty and original poems that sometimes doesnt even rhyme. And, she will accept them graciously by texting back some sexy notes and an evening of more fun. Who cares the poems doesnt even rhyme? Noone is going to give you some marks or grading.
I find small intimacy like this enjoyable and surely will lead to something sexier, but that is not the case on most relationships. It is okay to be silly with each other. After all, who else can you be silly with but your partner? There is no morale police in the whole entire universe who can reprimand you for sending those naughty texts. Or when you tickle silly your partner’s palm while driving.
Stop for a minute, and think about all these.