Are You Sabotaging Your Relationships?

 There are clues to what ever happens in any relationships, but you are just too blind to recognize them. They are there, just waiting to explode and then next thing you know, the relationships ends, and there is nothing you can do but to retreat into your own little world, mourning for the loss of your hope in love. You hope and pray that he will see the childish misdeed and call you to say how much you are missed and that all are forgiven.

 It is not as easy as that. You do recognize the pattern, as you have been doing the same thing again and again. So what to do in this instance? I certainly have no idea on how to solve this but I do now know and recognize that certain pattern for me, on how I, without knowing it have been self-sabotaging newly created and promising relationships.

 

Trust

One of the issues in relationships is trust. People say trust is given and earned, not expected and demanded. For me, trust is something you have to proof. Not an easy thing to do as the next question is, what is there to do to gain my trust? A friend told me I have always started a friendship/relationships with no trust whatsoever and work backwards. How can that be, you may ask? So with this extreme distrust, I have almost assumed that a promising boyfriend will eventually leave me in the next few months, or that a new friend will betray me in some sort of ways.

Enjoy the journey!

The same friend also told me that to be in a relationship and in love, you need to also let go, enjoy the journey. Yes you may bump into the occasional wall and hit a few bumps, but enjoy the journey nevertheless. It is like travelling in a car during a holidays, she said. You tend to get upset over small matters that you fail to see the lovely shade of trees that lined the streets, or the green fields that you had just passed. You are too busy worrying about the occassional potholes or the bumps on the road that you ignore the cool air of the countryside. Something like that.

Are you freedom phobic?

Deep phobia of commitment is another issue.

To most singles, letting go of their freedom may be one of the main reasons they tend to feel like running away each time their new-found partner wants to “take it to the next level”. It sure does feel like there is almost an imaginary shackle being put around your ankles , and you have to drag these all around you. In your mind, “There goes my weekend outing with the girls”, or “What if I suddenly feel bored with him in next 3 months??”. God forbid!

Worse still, you feel that now your own space is getting smaller and smaller. Which, brings me to the next point.

 

Communication

I certainly enjoy my single-dom life at the moment. To me, my personal space is very important. I dislike having to create 80% of my daily schedules around another person although this does not count my daughter. She knows that I will make my time for her. I also enjoy the solitude in the bathroom for example. But can the other prospective partner understand this? I work 5 days a week, 9am to 6pm and sometimes slightly more. I travel a lot too for work. Lyn has busy schedules as well and by the time we reach home, it usually is around 8.30pm or so. Social life has taken a slight seat at the back and I really dont mind it a bit. The last thing I want to hear is the partner whines about me not contacting him for the last 2 hours or so.

You try to justify in whatever that you do but you fail to realise that it was not about the non-contact for the last 2 hours. Think back about the accumulated days that you fail to communicate with your partner. Really communicate, talk, sit down. Not short texts asking, “Where 4 dinner?”. You dont count that as communication.

Make time to talk. And dont be judgmental during this sacret time. You dont want to argue and fight in this intimate hour as you will kill the whole concept of communication. Without you knowing it, you are as good as self-sabotaging the relationships each time you create that tension.

 

Be silly with each other

Send silly texts to each other. My friend, M, usually receives some really cute texts from her hubby at noon. Thats when hubby waits at their youngest child’s school gate, and with a few minutes to kill, he usually sends her some really funny, witty and original poems that sometimes doesnt even rhyme. And, she will accept them graciously by texting back some sexy notes and an evening of more fun. Who cares the poems doesnt even rhyme? Noone is going to give you some marks or grading.

I find small intimacy like this enjoyable and surely will lead to something sexier, but that is not the case on most relationships. It is okay to be silly with each other. After all, who else can you be silly with but your partner? There is no morale police in the whole entire universe who can reprimand you for sending those naughty texts. Or when you tickle silly your partner’s palm while driving.

Stop for a minute, and think about all these.

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Has It Been THAT Long Ago?

23rd October 2008. Significant date for my little Princess, who happens not to be so small anymore.

It was as if just yesterday I was carrying her in my arms, caressing and counting the little fingers and toes. I would just sit next to her crib to admire the perky tiny pinky nose and brushing aside the imaginary fleck of dust that might have just settled on her pillow.

Lyn came out into this world in her usual way – loud, so as to make sure everyone knows of her arrival. At least that was what Datuk Dr Gan who performed the procedures told any proud parents of their newly arrival pink bundle of joy. At 2.2kg and a premature baby, she was placed in the incubator for 5 days.

For the next few anaesthetic-filled-brain days, I was lying in the hospital bed, oblivious to my surroundings. A simple cough was tough. Walking seemed to take forever. My gut felt as if they will spill out from me anytime. I even told God that this pain He brought me was a reminder to any mothers not to whack their kids, cause it hurts like HELL and so why go through the pain and torture your kids later. Doesnt seem to worth it at all!

She is all grown up now. My Princess is a Sweet 17 today.

A Little Something For You

To my lovely daughter, Lyn the sweet Princess
I just have this to say
Have a very happy birthday
For, this is your special day

Oftimes you drive me crazy like hell
And no amount of ringing bell

Can wake you up from undeneath your shell

You’re a lazy, untidy even to arrange your shoes
It’s like living in Africa’s zoos
BUT I REALLY DO LOVE YOU

Despite your new found teenage fray
Happy 17th Birthday, anyway
Lot’s of Love

 From Mama

Dealova

Once in a while, I am totally lost for words to express myself, and will let some poems or lyrics speak for me.

This evening is one of those.

 

 DEALOVA

by Once of Dewa

Aku ingin menjadi mimpi indah
Dalam tidurmu
Aku ingin menjadi sesuatu
Yang mungkin bisa kau rindu

Kerana langkah merapuh
Tanpa dirimu
Oh
Kerana hati telah letih

Aku ingin menjadi sesuatu
Yang selalu bisa kau sentuh
Aku ingin kau tahu bahawa aku
Selalu memujamu

Tanpamu sepinya waktu
Merantai hati
Oh
Bayangmu seakan-akan

Kau seperti nyanyian dalam hatiku yang
Memanggil rinduku padamu
Seperti udara yang kuhela kau selalu ada

Oh

Hanya dirimu
Yang bisa membuatku tenang
Tanpa dirimu
Aku merasa hilang
Dan sepi
Dan sepi

Kau seperti nyanyian dalam hatiku yang
Memanggil rinduku padamu
Seperti udara yang kuhela kau selalu ada

Kau seperti nyanyian dalam hatiku yang
Memanggil rinduku padamu
Seperti udara yang kuhela kau selalu ada

Selalu ada
Kau selalu ada
Selalu ada
Kau selalu ada

 

I wish I were a beautiful dream
In your sleep
I wish I were something
You always long for

Every step I take has to break
Without you
Oh
Because my heart is weary

I wish I were something
You always long to touch
I want you to know
I always adore you

Without you my hours are lonely
My heart is in chains
Oh
All I see is but your shadow

You are like a song in my heart
That removes my loneliness
You are like the air that I breathe
You are always there for me

Oh

Only you
Can calm me
Without you
I feel lost
And lonely

You are like a song in my heart
That removes my loneliness
You are like the air that I breathe
You are always there for me

You are like a song in my heart
That removes my loneliness
You are like the air that I breathe
You are always there for me

Always there for me
Always there for me
Always there for me
Always there for me

Wedding Pixs

A few days back I blogged about a newly married cousin. Felt compelt to add the wedding ceremony here but a bit hesitant as I didnt get the nod from some of the people of whom I snapped pixs of.

But here goes, the general snippets of the beautiful day.

Traditional dance of zapin was performed infront of guests and bride and groom.

The grand Wedding dais. The Cousin only used fresh flowers.

 

The delicious spread for guests. Nasi minyak , rendang daging and all the side dishes.

Fair maidens…the cousins of the Clan.

The Teenager and moi

When Two Worlds Collide

The weather is cool now that the rain has stopped an hour ago. I could see the sillouette of the trees across , perched on top of the hills. And, I am still awake.

Once in a while, during our journey in life, we bumped into someone of whom we had insanely no idea why we got attracted to in the first place. Such furious phase of friendship and the intensity burns. How can two worlds apart can be so aligned, so together and yet so fiercely destructive towards another?

Can the relationship ever see the other side of this intense self sabotaging act? Would it flip and turn into something more meaningful than what it has manifested now?

When two worlds collide.

That was how a friend described me of such kind of relationships. Two entity so full and sure of each other, so full of life. Someowhere down the journey, they gravitade towards each other. And collide.

It could be the end of them. Or for some miracle that can only be from the Hands That Be, will turn this event into such beautiful new creation, if the analogy allows it to be described as such.

Either path, still, these two worlds cant help but to follow their destined route not knowing which way they will end up with.

Four Eligible Ladies And Wedding Bells Of A Cousin

A cousin of mine got married today.

It was a grand wedding and true to how a typical grand Malay wedding is held, the feast runs for 3 days and 2 nights with a dinner finale at a grand hall in a well known venue in the city for Sunday. The bride wore white French lace baju kurung, a headress of also the finest French lace with just a hint of blue on the sequins. The groom looked dashing in his baju Melayu, matching blue sampin and tanjak.

Every aunties, uncles, cousins, unaccountable relatives far and wide came to witness today’s wedding. The last I recalled a wedding of this magnitude in the clan was for me 18 years before.

She walked in small steps going down the staircase heading towards the dais, the train of her modern baju kurung trailed behind her. My cousin looked like the beautiful, blushing bride that she was. Unconciously I swayed my gaze towards the Groom, and I saw the look. His face registered of something that went deeper than a feeling of awe. It was full of love and pride. It showed on his face as his gaze followed her steps.

The akad nikah (wedding solemn) was done with my uncle took the role( that I think he would have thought of some 26 years before) of solemnising his daughter’s wedding himself. My mind raced back when I had salam my abah after my own akad nikah, knowing for a fact that he knew that his responsibilities had been shifted to my then husband. I could feel his emotions that ran through his palms when I bowed down and kissed his hands.

I was there sitting on the well carpeted floor, sitting close together with another three cousins and the rest of the guests. After the batal air sembahyang ceremony (exchanging of rings), the four of us went to the newly wedded couple and congratulated them, wishing all the happiness and long marriage.

Ironically, there we were, the four cousins, all in our late 30’s, just earlier in the morning lamenting on being single moms. You see, all four of us, well, three, were divorced. The fourth cousin’s husband had a heart attack on the morning of the Eidil Fitri exactly one year to the month and passed away.

Cousin 1 almost re married earlier this year. Didnt happen as planned as would-be groom lost his balls and chicken-ed out barely less than a week of the wedding day. It broke her heart to this day. I must say that she is still pretty much a bitter woman too.

Cousin 2 enjoys her single life it seems. After coming out from a marriage riddled with financial frustrations and physical abuse for many years, she came out a stronger woman with the main focus to raise up her 2 teenage children.

Cousin 3 whose husband passed away a year ago has just started to live life again. She has started to date too. I think her love and the memories of her husband still lingers in her so much so that she still sleeps with hubby’s favourite shirt and cries herself to sleep almost every night.

I wondered about the path I am on at the moment. Surely the single-dom is exciting, enjoyable and the freedom is liberating. Add career satisfaction factor to all these makes it seem..almost…perfect.

Would I be able to find my Alpha Male (or whatever that could factor towards a male eligibility attractiveness) that would look at me at how my cousin’s newly wedded other half had looked at her? Could it be that my three cousins and I have actually raised the bar so high that we had, unintentionally eliminated 50% of the eligible male population?

Cousin 3, over a glass of hot teh tarik after the wedding in a nearby mamak shop put a dare to the rest of us- which one from the four of us would walk that path again?

Hmm…I felt as if there was not enough highways for me to run and hide away.

Eidil Fitri 2008

I havent blogged about how my Eidil Fitri went. Work schedule (plus managing a busy teenager) has rendered me feeling as if I just simply want to crawl into bed the minute I hit home.

But, Eidil Fitri came and went. It went great actually, despite the fact that we had some minor glitches in the early morning. Both of us woke up late!!

All dressed up in our new kebayas, we took the obligatory early morning Eidil Fitri pixs before leaving for my ex MIL’s house as how we had done for the past 18 years (24 years for me minus Lyn).

Plenty of lemang, rendang, serunding and nasi impit to mention. Finally, on the second day, I practically asked an auntie to fry simple salted fish and some veges to go with some white rice.

I just simply had had enough of Raya food!

 

 

 

Are We Too Busy With Life?

Define your “small stuff”.

Come on, take a minute, reflect and think about it.

A lot of people, I find, get aggravated by “small stuff” and these really have come to a point where the stuff really bug the heck of out them.

A friend, N, gets bugged out if she cant mop and wash her bathrooms on Mondays as planned. Another friend’s day spoiler would be her inability to colour coordinate her innerware. Mr R just cant let go of the fact that people do drive at 80km/h on the left lane, even at 10am on Monday. He would be cussing all the way to high heavens, complete with fingers.

I mean, what?

I used to fidget endlessly whenever I was in a long queue at the supermarket check out counter. The thought that it is a Saturday night and people are busy shopping at month end (just like me) never crossed my mind. I would think that the Cashier is too slow, too busy chatting and so inedequate in their jobs. I tap my parking access card on the way out at 6pm, noticing the tired looking face of the Booth Attendant but I didnt do anything about it.

Morning drives to office used to be filled with so much dread. I kept on looking at the dashboard clock, and decided that I just wasted extra 7 minutes driving behind a particular old man.

I would step into the lift, pressed the button to my office floor and immediately put on my elevator face. I see same faces almost every day, unconsiously knowing which floor they would stop. 7th floor is where all of the people who wear dark glasses stop (thats where the eye centre is), 18th floor is where the gorgeous, nicely dolled up ladies would make their stop (a giant make up brand is located here). Stuff like that.

And I thought how superficial life can be.

Nowadays I would try to observe patiently the “here and now” scenario while queuing at the supermarket. I’d smile at the cashier and admire their strong will at doing repetitive work for 8 hours a day, 6 days a week dealing with cynical and rude people. I dont think I have the strength to do what they do.

I smile more in the lift and I find that people will generally smile back at me. Its a great morning boost too. On the way out from the parking, I now greet the Booth Attendant and she smiles back at me. I hope within that mere split few seconds I have made someone her day and knowing that she is not invincible at all.

When I come back home from work, I’d conciously switch off my brain from being too critical at how the laundry starts to pile up compared to yesterday knowing very well that I will deal with it come Saturday, just like always. I’d lie down in bed and try to ignore the just-spotted faint trace of cob web which wasnt there yesterday. I had almost forgotten the comforting smell of a fresh linen as I lie in bed as I was too busy worrying the condition of my kitchen whenever my teenager’s friends are busy making sandwiches at 3 am on a weekend. Worse still, when I could hear the clanking noise and …. something that sounds like a glass breaks…

I cant help but to think that we are just too busy with life to notice all the things around us and to enjoy life as it comes. We are like in silos, working and living in our own little world. Tell me how many of us know our next door’s neighbours names, and the names of their children albeit simple nick names?

Something to think about on a Thursday evening.