PERNAH (I had been)

~ Ferhad

Pengalaman mengajarku (Experience has taught me)
Jangan mudah meluahkan isi hatiku (Not to reveal my heart too easily)
Tapi bila ia melamarku (But when he proposed)
Senyuman ayumu hatiku luas terbuka (Your sweet smile opens up my heart)
Yang kuidamkan musnah (My dreams were shattered)
Yang kugenggam terpisah (Whats in my hands slipped away)

( korus )
Aku pernah, jatuh cinta (I had been in love)
Kerana cinta diriku merana (I suffered because of love)
Aku pernah bahagia ( I had been happy)
Kata manisnya buat ku terpedaya (His sweet words deceived me)

Biarkan aku temankan pilu (Let me be alone with pain)
Haruskah cinta oh kejam padaku (Must love be cruel to me)
Uhh yeahh

Kini mula ku terasakan (Now I can sense it)
Degupan hatiku mula rasa oh gelisah (My heart beats in anxiety)
Kehadiranmu ku mengharapkan (I am hoping with you here)
Akan menghilangkan kegelapan di hidupku (will make the darkness disappear)
Kau yang seharus yang pertama (You were supposed to be my first)
Agar terakhir selamanya (And the last till forever)

( ulang korus )

Yang ku lupa, kisah yang lalu (I will forget the past)
Akan ku gubah oh hidup yang baru… uh yeah…(And create new life)
Kerana aku pernah… pernah yeah…(I had been….)

( ulang korus )

Kisah yang lama mengajar aku (The past has taught me)
Agar bahagia hidup bersamamu (To be happy with you)

Hey hey… Yang ku cinta (The one that I love)


It’s Thanksgiving

And so the citizens of America celebrates their Thanksgiving today.

Malaysians dont celebrate Thanksgiving and that makes me not celebrating it by default as well. But, I do thank God for what I have today, and in no particular order:

  • God, for giving me life, and the strength to start my life all over again
  • My daughter for humbling me as a mother and understanding that loving life is more than loving myself. She gives me many heart-stopping moments with her teenage antics, but loving her to bits was never a compromise.
  • Health that has not wavered badly so far
  • Friends who have stood with me through thick and thin. Old friends who have pulled me out from the pits of the dump and new found friends who give me new meaning to friendship
  • My career that has challenged me and a great team to work with.
  • My relatives of whom I can fall back on whenever I feel alone when walking through this life little journey.
  • My mom who has given birth to me and taught me how to be brave and strong. The business acumen I inherited didnt hurt either.
  • My Abah, though he passed away a long time ago. For being the best dad there was, ever.
  • My sister of whom, as much as we are not as close as siblings can be, I still love her the same.
  • My pet cats who, though in their own selfish ways, have given me unconditional love though the food and vet cost takes about 5% of total income.

A Prayer On A Special Day

My Abah (daddy) would have been 62 today. If he had survived his heart attack 6 years ago.

Relishing his new-found life as a retiree opened up my Abah’s eyes to all the things that he wanted to do all of his life – travelling. And travelled he did. He went to see the old palaces in Jaipur, brought back a beautiful piece of bright fuschia-coloured saree for me and endless stories of his journey. He walked on the Great Wall Of China and had a great time marvelling at the ancient Tienamen Square. A few other foodie trips all the way to Thailand and Indonesia had made him a happy man indeed. He was a food-loving man as far as I could recall.

I grew up as a latchkey key and Abah and my mom had gone their separate ways. I was 18 when I first went out to the working life and refused to grap the opportunities presented to me to be a one-year exchange student in Australia, or take up the Proton scholarship to further my studies. Talk about being hard-headed.

I was already far away, heart and soul, from my Abah due to the divorce. I didnt understand why he was not with us. I was his Little Princess until my sister was born when I was 11 years old. I did not understand then that when two people fell out of love, they parted ways.

The year I decided to marry my then husband, I tracked him down all the way where he was posted. He was in Sarawak at that time. The first time I called in to his office, my heart was almost bursting with sadness and anticipation of talking to him again.

A flurry of phone calls were exchanged after that. Making up for time lost. And forgiveness. And acceptance. He was to be my “wali” to give me away during my wedding ceremony.

I found myself to have my Abah again after all these years of feeling lost. No words could describe my feelings.

Two years before his retirement approached, he asked for a transfer back to the Peninsular and was posted to his choiced location – Fraser’s Hills, where he was teaching till his last day as a Head Master. Those final years were filled with family trips to visit him. My daughter was very close to him. Abah had never allowed her to “jejak tanah” (walk on the ground) when he was with her, always being carried on his shoulder, and pampered to no end.

Abah passed away after a heart attack one Sunday evening. I was not with him at his final hour as he was back home in Raub, Pahang when it happened.

In my mind, my Abah was still the same tall, strong man who would carry me on his shoulders. Taught me to read musical notes, play the guitar, keyboard and drums, ride the bike, drive the car, visited me in the hospital each time I was involved in accidents….cooked the most delicious rendang for Eidil Fitri. He followed through with his love for my daughter, never letting her go from his sight.

On this day, I will offer him my prayers, just like any other day that passed by.

A prayer for you today, Abah. Amin.

When Do You Walk Out From A Relationship?

Case 1

Ms A’s husband has been coming back home late every night for the past 4 months. Always blaming for his work schedule and work stress, he started to neglect his wife and his 1 year old baby daughter. Apart from the daily verbal abuse, he was not paying any maintenance to hisfamily. He was also seeing another woman which also happens to live near where his family is. Ms A lamented to me over our breakfast one day that she bumped into her husband with the girlfriend when she was about to leave the apartment block where they are staying. Angry and totally sad with the whole thing, Ms A has decided to take the final plunge and pulled the husband for a serious talk. And was told that he will not stop seeing his girlfriend.

Ms A now is in talk with her Syariah lawyers to proceed with divorce proceedings.

Case 2:

I have blogged on Mrs A (different from Ms A) on What Is The Breaking Point Of A Human Emotion, where her husband had given her two STD episodes. They still cant have unprotected sex as she is still recovering. And obviously her husband doesnt really care. 

She is still with her husband for the sake of her children. She also thinks that she will be the pariah of the society should she become a divorcee.


Case 3:

Beautiful Mrs M is 35, smart, holds a great 9-5 job in a local clearing house in Taman Tun Dr Ismail. She bought a few properties while she was still a single young woman. 2 cars under her name. 3 children aged between 4 to 15 years old. Beautiful children, beautiful house, unhappy marriage.

Husband works in a local security company as a Manager in a shopping mall somewhere in Klang Valley and has been seeing a 21 year old cleaning lady for the past 6 months. A tight slap to her and emotionally draining too.

Mrs M is seriously considering a divorce as the husband has been neglecting the children. I suspect he has been abusing her as well by looking at a few unexplainable bruises that sometimes appear.

3 cases amongst the thousands that are out there. And these were only the tip of the iceberg. 

So, when do you walk out from a relationship? When he starts to physically abuse you? When you start to realize he did not fulfill his obligation as a husband? When the kids doesnt even know their dads? When your partner starts to give you weird diseases?

Walk away when there are no more solutions to offer and you have exausted all avenues to patch up the relationships. As a woman, you deserve to be happy, to be loved exclusively, to be wanted, respected, cherished and honoured.

To be a human being.

Mat Rempit Menace



The 4  youths on the 2 black RXZs looked like any other Mat Rempit in their early twenties around circling the Uptown routes about looking for a place to have their teh tarik in the early hours of the morning. It was, afterall a Saturday night and FLY FM Anniversary Party, one of the local top radio stations was just over in the One Utama mall.

They eyed another 5 youths, 3 girls and 2 boys aged between 15 and 19 as they walked passed the RHB Bank, and had quicken their pace towards a small inn where a relative of one of the girls who just came down from his hometown stayed.

As they waited outside the inn for the relative to come down, the black RXZs came closer to them and one of them came down. Motioning to the 19 year old boy to come to him, he opened up his helmet and started to engage him in a small talk.

Not until, he brandished out a black Rambo-style knife from underneath his black jacket, aimed it to his stomache and demanded the 19 year old’s possessions. At the same time, his other accomplice pulled one of the girls’ handbag while the 3rd accomplice tried to pry away a Nokia mobile from the other girl.

Lyn, at that time was already screaming for her beloved Nokia, was pushed to the ground, swift kicks landed on her face, neck and the side of her ribs. She was stomped on her left arm. And left groaning with pain on the ground.

Her 19 year old friend was slashed on his head with the Rambo knife and left bleeding on the road. Bella and the other friend were left unhurt but shaken.

Many witnesses.

Noone came to their rescue.

I received a call from the relative telling me that Lyn was in some kind of trouble and could I please pick them up and send to the hospital and the nearest police station.

We spent the whole day at the University Hospital today to get them attended to by the doctors, Plenty of X-rays to determine fractures. More pain killers. The 19 year old friend, Kamal received a few stitches due to the slash on his head and felt bad he could not protect his friend from being kicked and stomped on.

As I type this, I have with me a very traumatic teenager who is sleeping in her room, tired from the whole ordeal.


Who are these Mat Rempits? Watch the video here to know who they are.

Mom’s Jitters And Other School-Related Nuances

My 17 year old teenager was a picture of calmness as she stepped down from the car this morning and headed towards the school gate. The only thing she muttered was that she had to tie her hair. Lugging 2 bags filled with only-teenagers-know-whatsinside, I kissed her hair and said, ‘Good luck!”

Today is the day when several thousand Form 5 students all over Malaysia will face their PMR and will go on till the first week of December. I cannot imagine how many parents are there who are equally feeling the same jitters as I am and of her dad’s.

As much as my ex and I have parted ways, but one of the few things we agreed upon is the approach towards exams and education that our daughter would receive throughout her growing up life. I find that the current Malaysian education is too exam oriented and emphasise too much on memorising without them understanding the implementation. They are rigidly governed by scores and marks that have no meaning and internalisation to be applied in the real world.

The approach she experienced when she went for a short stint in a private school a few years was entirely different; where the students are expected to master the living skills as well as being excel academically. Parents are encouraged to participate in the students’ activities. I remember visiting her classroom every Friday where her class teacher would share with me her progress.

 In her current school, parents are made to feel unwelcomed and taunted for a few extra efforts made to communicate with the School. In my usual ways, I have several times written to her school enquiring of rationalisation of several school-implemented rules that I feel can be done without. They were one-way communication. Infact, a few of the teachers taunted my daughter for having a mom who is a bit “different” from the rest.

I have lodged a complaint with the District School office for a possible sexual harassment by one of the Ustaz (male religious teacher) in the same school. I questioned the rationale behind him talking to my daughter in a secluded environment without a female teacher in attendance. I also questioned why he was asking my 17 year old teenager out for a movie on the weekend after relating to her his dating experiences.

Luckily she is a street smart girl and she walked away from the situation and called me.

I dread to think of how I would be able to let go of her to college by next year. Would I be able to shield her away from all these?

Lutnen Conel

My funny and weird encounters with scammers on the net are too many to mention but this was a real classic case. He said he is an engineer based in London and has 4 siblings of which, a brother is currently working in the US military.

Read on how our chat coming to an end abruptly…

Engineer: Ive brotha who lives in US
Hanie: I see…and how long has he been there?
Engineer: 25 years. He works there.
Hanie: where does he works?
Engineer: in the military as a conel.
Hanie: Conel? Um…ok..what does a conel do in military?
Engineer: Dont know what he really does but he is a lutnen conel….
Hanie: Ok…a lutnen conel…thanks for the chat. Gotta go!

What a blinking idiot guy. You wonder why I find it difficult to trust. Go figure!

I Found My Alpha Male

So, I am ready to ride the wave

And swallow a few gulps of water while I am at it

Walk on a path

Bumped into several walls thats for sure

But, the sun seems brighter

Grass seems greener

Morning coffee tastes better


Nuff said.