I have not blogged for a while. I realized that. George pointed that out too. I started blogging as a form of therapy, and escapism where I can crystallize my thoughts clearer or just simply rant about anything and everything that happens in my life.
The blogging tapers to fewer pieces when George is back to Kuala Lumpur for good. Not much trouble with The Teenager and I thought that was it.
Not true. George pointed also that I have never really blogged about my mom. I never blog about her simply because the pain in me when thinking about the relationships we had runs deeper than anything else that I have ever experienced before. But I guess there are always a time for everything and the time is now.
I have to admit that throughout my life, the relationships that I have with my mother and my younger sister has never been really that peachy and rosy. I grew up and out from the relationship a long time ago when I was 18. I walked out from my mother’s house and never look back. I followed my gut feelings, my heart, built my own life.
My dad was already away somewhere else at that time. He left when he was divorced from my mom several years before that. My sister grew up in the presence of my step dad. She eventually took his name and referred to our dad by his first name. It is something that has always created a rift between us among other things.
The dynamics of the mother-daughter relationship has always been a pretty rough sailing between both of us. If I had known an extremely smart, intelligent, beautiful, successful woman before, it could have my mother. She is all of that. But, behind all those there is always a calculative, manipulative, sly and cold woman who will not stop at anything to achieve what she wants. The same traits run in her parents who led colourful life more than the rainbow in the sky.
I left knowing that I cannot fit into this kind of life. As much as I had learnt life’s tips and tricks from this side of the maternal family, I have always known that I want to stay away from leading a life where everything is compared to the value of money and status.
There is an old saying – money is the root of all evil. I added that assumption is the mother of all fuck ups. Money has always been a sensitive issue in the family since time past and so does inheritance. I will not allow that to permeate my household where now we have a family unit that has a fixed values that does not revolve around money as being the binder to relationships.
That same life also leads to other unwanted side effects that is subtle that no one really acknowledge that it exists. But I see them. I see them all before and I see them again when they rear their ugly heads. I see them because I am looking in from outside of their realm. Mental health awareness is a new term that I found out recently and I am beginning to see the big picture when some of jigsaw puzzles are put together.
Scary indeed when I think of it.
The family relationship between them and me is but a distant now. How do I feel, someone asked? I used to feel betrayed, upset, sad, anxious, empty and needy when I left the family home 23 years ago. Over the years, the feelings have gone and been replaced by this cold, void and detached feelings.
That is what I still feel in the present moment. Cold, void and detached.
Glancing gently at you
Like a waterfall your soul
completely embraced my being
Filling my days with rainbows
I’m so happy and thankful
you are here for me
Walking down the aisle
meeting you halfway in vows
We promised to be there
for one another for days ahead
You’ve made good of your words
and I’ve been making mine true
There were times when
life was too much to bear
I was all fed up and grumpy
You lifted me up in spirits
and said to me tenderly
Look at the view out there
I looked and I was humbled
In spite of good intentions
sometimes we just couldn’t concur
no matter how much we talked
Flaring up was never your style
You showed acceptance of me and
I appreciate the man you are
During those few occasions
where I raised a racket
operating like one on PMS
My brain fried and emotions raw
You let me wallow in my lows
and then you cracked me up
making me rise above the lows
On those long nights
when I stared at the ceiling
in bed fretting over whatnots
You pulled me into your arms
slowly diffusing my worries
Oh the feeling of being protected
is one of the sweetest feelings
Now as you laid on the couch
asleep with a drained look
The day had taken it out of you
telltale signs of the daily grind
Unconsciously you reached out
for my hand which I willingly gave
while my heart silently pledged
Intertwining fingers with yours
I smiled a little smile
You were always there for me
the near hair-pulling epsiodes
the lowest periods I floundered
the happiest glorious moments
the funniest laughters in stitches
I soaked in all these special times
feeling blessed to have you with me
Imperfect moments made beautiful
because you are here with me
Journeying through life together is
so much more when it’s done with you.
Credit: Copyright © 2009 Fion Lim.