The Moments Lost…

And so the weekend is arriving.

My brain has just started to mull yet again towards the several past weeks. Still speechless, no word could describe of how I feel or how I should react. Perhaps it should be sadness yea? But somehow, that is not the only feel have inside me.

Dull, aching headache has been plaguing me since I heard the news. No less than ten gadzillion miles away is my dear cousin in England who did not know that I did not know. And it was her who brought the news. News that traveled like the winds blowing from East to West and back again, and then it disappears. The news traveled from Kuala Lumpur back to this little town of Raub, and somehow found its way to the further end of the world, and came back to Kuala Lumpur via the FB private message.

That my mother had passed away.


It is said that the life path of any person associated with a certain number to the name will bring fundamental influences to their lives. Her name commands the number 1, one of the most important figures in numerology.

There are just simply a few things in life that you thought would never disappear. You know, FB for one. It will always stay. Uncle Kuching, one of our cats is one but he died last year of natural cause. Parents are not allowed to die too. But they do.

The relationship between us was rocky at best. To think back, I actually spent a mere 18 years with her. The relationship drifted as I trudged through my adulthood with trials and tribulations.  I was trying to anchor my life to something better and wanted to live differently as how my parents were. Being a product of a broken home has not been easy. Your opinions are shadowed and viewed through some strange tinted glass…

But still, her strength to rise above the usual expectations of a kampung girl who did not even completed her secondary school has become an inspiration for me all throughout my life. Anecdotes based on my childhood stories with her are used in a lot of my facilitation and training programs. Strange, but true.

Life’s lessons from her has proven that abilities and skills to pursue something that you badly wanted are all in your minds. How bad do you want something?

I visited her grave days after she passed away. I sat on this stool next to her marker, admiring on the surrounding. So peaceful, almost ethereal with the verses of the Holy Al Quran playing at the background. I had the longest “conversation” with her on that bright, sunshiny afternoon. It was all one-way of course but I felt I was finally being able to tell her stuff. Stuff that I kept deep in my heart. I was angry with her for a lot of things. For forgetting about me and pushing me away from her life. I could have been a better daughter, but I felt that I was not given the opportunity to do so. In my pursuit to be different from my parents’ marriage, I ended up with a situation similar to theirs.

So, here I am.

Several weeks later. Just days before my own daughter’s wedding. My own thought of this wedding and the experience so far calls for a blog piece of its own.

I guess, there are things in life that you will carry all throughout your life.


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