I Think About Death Every Day


Death Valley, California, Desert

Desolate, hauntingly beautiful landscape, no one in sight but just an existence in a realm of nowhere.

No, not so much about depression that brings suicidal thoughts but more of a self-awareness that brings about the thinking of “what ifs” The thought makes me want to capture every moment there is, and experience what is there as if death is just around the corner.

Just a mere 8 months ago, G and I experienced an accident along the Karak Highway when we drove back from Raub, Pahang to go home after a lovely weekend with some friends, Eric and Tara. That accident has left me traumatised over driving on rainy days. I thought we would never go home alive on that day. As much as I was not ready to make my Maker, I wanted to make peace with him considering that my past has been a pretty mix of a colourful palette of colours.

Somehow that incident has left me with more thoughts about my existence on this planet.

Why am I here?

What if people see that my undies are mismatched?

Yeah, I had this thing when I was young. Considering that I used to be a fast bike rider, an accident is inevitable. Had that way too many times. Each time, I had to be carried off by ambulance or someone’s car to the ER in the small town of Raub. The thought of people realizing that my undies are mismatched was real.

Live and love as if there is no tomorrow.

Good in the idea but not quite the same in reality. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, so they say. 10 kg ago it was so easy to breeze through the short run of 15-20 KM, climbing the hills or the jungle trekking over the weekend. Nowadays, it will take me a few good breathing breaks just to walk briskly around the lake near our home.

Giving, is an art, they say. And so is showing empathy towards others. Doing something for yourself is as important although I suspect that I have not been doing well in that department for so many years. There is no zest or that rush of doing impromptu stuff anymore. I should reconsider this for 2018 onwards.

To live and not to love, is a sin. Loving another, God, neighbours…friends…Another area where I need to improve.

A lot.

I supposed it is not too bad thinking about death after all. Makes you think more though…

 

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