Equality In The Bedroom

Imagine that.

A woman demanding equality in the bedroom “can help them achieve equal footing in boardrooms and in politics”.

Largely unheard of in many Asian countries, sex remains a taboo subject; which I dont know why as everyone is having sex. I mean, what could you be doing when you are with your spouse, right? Surely we dont get busy counting armpit hair?

An article written by a spunky Indonesian lady, Firliana Purwanti, caught my eyes today and just had to write something about it. The article can be read here.

 

The 7-Eleven Is Always Around The Corner

I have this message to The Daughter. It is something unconventional but I will still do it anyway. It is about the birds and the bees.

And how 7-E is always around the corner.

To me, part of life’s lessons is not only taking the holistic approach to it but the practical side of things. That means, being a girl and a woman, you should be able to decide and control what is happening to your body, and keep it away from harm.

Harm such as unwanted pregnancy or venereal diseases.

 

It was said that the basics of using condom are so common. Some of the most frequent mistakes include putting a condom on partway through intercourse or taking it off before intercourse is over, failing to leave space at the tip of the condom for semen, and failing to look for damage before use. These errors can contribute to breakage or leakage, researchers reported in the journal Sexual Health.

From the study, here are the top condom errors:

1. Late application: Between 17 percent and 51.1 percent of people reported putting a condom on after intercourse has already begun. Other studies found that late application happens in 1.5 percent to 24.8 percent of sexual encounters.

2. Early removal: Between 13.6 percent and 44.7 percent of individuals in the studies had taken a condom off before intercourse was over. Other studies found that early removal happens in between 1.4 percent and 26.9 percent of sexual encounters.

3. Unrolling a condom before putting it on: Between 2.1 percent and 25.3 percent of people reported completely unrolling a condom before putting it on.

4. No space at the tip: Failing to leave a reservoir for semen was reported by between 24.3 percent and 45.7 percent of respondents, depending on the study.

5. Failing to remove air: Almost half (48.1 percent) of women and 41.6 percent of men reported sexual encounters in which air wasn’t squeezed from the tip of the condom.

6. Inside-out condoms: Between 4 percent and 30.4 percent of people reported rolling on a condom inside out and then flipping it the other way around, potentially exposing their partner to bodily fluids.

7. Failing to unroll all the way: 11.2 percent of women and 8.8 percent of men had started intercourse before a condom was unrolled all the way.

8. Exposure to sharp objects: Between 2.1 percent and 11.2 percent of people had opened condom packets with sharp objects or otherwise exposed the latex to tearing.

9. Not checking for damage: Meanwhile, 82.7 percent of women and 74.5 percent of men failed to check condoms for damage before use.

10. No lubrication: Between 16 percent and 25.8 percent of participants had used condoms without lubrication, increasing the risk of a break.

11. Wrong lubrication: In about 4.1 percent of sexual events, people used oil-based lubrications with latex, which can degrade the condom. About 3.2 percent of women and 4.7 percent of men reported this error.

12. Incorrect withdrawal: Failing to promptly and properly withdraw after ejaculation was a common mistake, occurring in up to 57 percent of encounters in one study. About 31 percent of men and 27 percent of women reported this error.

13. Condom reuse:  Between 1.4 percent and 3.3 percent of study respondents had re-used a condom at least twice during a sexual encounter.

14. Incorrect storage: Between 3.3 percent and 19.1 percent of people in the studies had stored condoms in conditions outside of the recommendations on the package.

Read the full story here:

http://vitals.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/26/10511064-condom-use-101-basic-errors-are-so-common-study-finds#.T0skoa-pQ7c.email

Check List

To all the singles out there who are looking for a partner, I have a question for you. A very important question. It seems like a mindless silly question but needed to be asked.  Do you have a check list of what would be the ideal person that you are looking for to share your life with? If you do, how does that check list looks like? Is it long with ten gadzillion boxes to tick? Or it could be a simple one box that says – “as long as he makes me happy”. Which, makes all else pale because you either tick it or leave it blank.

Moving on the same topic. Do you have a treshold that basically “tells” you either you should go all out and give a chance to develop into something more or you just move along because “it feels right” at that time? Or, does this treshold will tell you, if you dont have at least half of the checklist ticked, then you should go out and cut out your losses.

I look forward to some feedbacks.

 

 

 

Poly Life

Ok, I admit it.

I have been a lurker for past few weeks in a few blogs posted by polyamorous living people/couples of out of curiosity. And, until todate, I cannot comprehend and digest the way of life these people are living.

Call it selfish but I cannot and will not share my life and my partner with some other people. The thought of my partner having sex with someone else and me being sooooo okay with it is just too much for me to bring into the picture. The thought of him being soooooo okay with me boinking another guy is also not okay. Okay? Those intimate stuff are only meant for me and him, and noone elses.

I read with sickness in my gut how a wife actually helped the husband making out with his girlfriend, and she feeling so left out in the act. By  the way, did I also mentioned that she was all the while sitting in between his legs while the girlfriend moaned and bounced on his yahoo? Each blog gets more depressing and more depressing as if they are like a cry for help.

First and foremost, unless you are into three-some or whatchamacallit fetish, I dont see any reason why on earth :

a) she should be helping them both

b) how the husband can be sooooo ignorant of his wife’s feelings

Some of you may say that it is ok to lead this kind of life as it doesnt encourage cheating in that primary relationship so it doesnt constitute cheating. Huh? Some of you may also argue that in certain religion such as Islam it actually encourages polygamy as to curb wandering spouses (i.e. husbands). Ok, fine, argument heard.

But, it never says anywhere that the primary partners should also be subjected to humiliations, pain, heart break, jealousy and all those feelings which are supposedly normal feelings in a relationship.

I will feel a jealousy pang if (when I have a partner) my partner have some sexual arousal when thinking or even looking at other females. Is this because I am repressed of my feelings? Nope. Am I not being a confident woman? Nope. Am I feeling inadequate? Nope. Infact so far, touch wood, no complaint in that err…department but I digress. Am I being possesive. Yes. I am possesive over my books, my cats, my house, my car, my laptop but all in different level of possessiveness. He can fantasise all he wants but should just stop there – in his brain. If he cant handle his sexual needs and need more than only me to satisfy this, then he doesnt deserve to be in my life.

There was once when my ex (then husband) and I were into our first year of marriage life. We talked about scenarios how I would handle the situation if he takes second (or third or fourth) wife. I told him that his rights as a husband to complete the corum has been provided for in the religion and he can do so if he wishes.

But I also told him, I will take myself out from the equation so as not to complicate matters.

Fast forward 17 years in 2007, I found myself doing exactly that – taking myself out from the equation so as not to complicate matters. I did exactly what I had said , and never regretted it.

Life is complicated enough than me having to address an orgy issue in a bedroom.

It’s A Real Pain Back There

A few years back I had the misfortune of having slipped discs on my 5th and 6th lumbar. No funny business having this, that as much as I can tell you. Not counting the hospital bills (thank God it was covered by the insurance), months of therapy and the countless painful days when the pain was so unbearable that I thought I had grown pins in my body and legs. That was when all those colourful words would usually come out whenever I tried getting up from the sofa.

I also read that the second most frequent prolapsed lumbar disc happen between 8th and 7th as well as 5th and 6th cervical vertebra.

Scary.

Fast forward to nearly two months back when I was shifting house. From a sprawling double terrace house to a modestly sized condo on the second floor, carrying something heavier than my laptop was tough. But, that was what I did. A few days after the actual move, I went back to the old house to gather the few odds and ends of boxes. Didnt expected them to be heavy…..so there I was, lugging all these boxes all the way up.

And expectedly, the pain re occured. Yeah…smart me.

So, looks like theres no regular run for me, at least not for new few weeks. And also no gymnastic manouevering in the love scene. Hey, wait, what love scene?

How To End A Relationship

There are ways to exit with grace out of a relationship and of course, there are ways to do it like a total asshole. Whichever that you are, either the dumper or the dumpee, it will create some sort of tension and a considerable stress to both parties. Look at how Rachel Marsden reacted when the Wikipedia founder, Jimmy Wales  rebutted her claim and issued a statement that they only met once and only had a brief relationship. I really dont know the details to their liasons but thats the price you have to pay when you are famous. Everyone wants to know and will wag about your sexual sexcapes or check your thrash.

Preserving one’s dignity when ending a relationship is hard to do when you do realise there was a time when there were true feelings involved between both of you. I have seen friends who were dumped in the most unceremonious ways that I sometimes think everybody should be a monk and never get involve in any relationships. Whatsoever. Among few top favourites on how to be a total asshole when you are the dumper are by using the following techniques:

Texting. Yeah, so you dont grow the pair yet to tell your partner that you are dumping her? “Sori bt i x thnk our rlthip s wking, so hv dcided we shd nt c echoter anymre. gudbye n tke cre.” How’s that?

Email. Why does email seems to be the easiest channel to break off from a relationship when all these time you both have spent like, thousands of dollars on phone bills talking about everything under the stars right down to the colours of curry stains on your shirt.

A Dear John/Jill letter. “Dear (insert name here), sorry but I dont think our relationship is working, so I have decided we should not see each other anymore”. See the recurring theme here?

Advertise it . Yeah, a totally classy move. Myspace bulletin, Friendster shoutouts, Facebook wall- all have used to a certain creative extend by dumpers to dump the partner, and letting their ten gadzillion friends know.

IM. When before this you both have spent like, thousands on the phone bills talking to each other. See another recurring theme??

And finally, the classiest of all dumping method..

By just disappearing from the other party’s life. Not picking and returning phone calls, emails, changing to new address, zip code, state, country, whatever and basically doing just that – exiting from the previous relationship.

 A recommended reading by John Gray is here. It offers some practical guide on how to move on with your life after a breakup.

Doing It Again – A Rebound Relationship

So, the deed is done months back and you think you are ready for dates again, and maybe another round of romance. Or, are you, I mean, really?

How would you know that you are really ready and wont fall into the ditch of a rebound relationship? The average so-called grieving period for someone who had ended a relationship, I was told, is about a year before you actually plunge yourself into another relationship. But , really, what is the cut-off period? Is is from the actual break up, or from date of official divorce? And one year?? Come on. Who set this thing up?

Some people have become the master at hiding their emotions and inner turmoil that people actually doesnt know they are in the process of grieving over a failed relationships. They still sound the same, look the same or maybe look even better, so, what gives? The leaner and slimmer look might have been brought by losing the appetite to eat after the break up. Such a workable diet that is but not necessarily a healthy one.

A friend of mine wrote an email to me recently and he told me this – to keep check over my emotion because the first comfy shoulder to lean on will be very attractive. What wise words. 

When you have been the other half of a couple for a few good years, there are a few things that could shake you badly when the relationship ends. For instance, the loneliness might be a bit too much when the evening comes. The human interaction, physical connection and sexual release might be another area that seems to be amplified whenever you let your mind wander a little more than it should. Sometimes you need hugs whenever there is a thunderstorm or just a simple cuddle while watching the tv in the evening.

“He is more caring than my ex”, or “She understands me better than my ex”. Sounds familiar? Do you still cry whenever you hear “your song”? Feeling depressed when you eat in the same restaurant that you spent the last anniversary at?

How would you know that you are in a rebound relationship? A few things that you need to have a reality-check are these:

  • do you still feel the terrible pain and hurt, endlessly over the last failed relationship?
  • do you keep comparing and analysing the current relationship to the previous one?
  • do you have a mental block to really give “your all” in this new relationship for fear of getting hurt again?

If you have said “yes” to any of the above, then perhaps you should take it easy before committing something you might regret later on. Those regrets, as what I have witnessed, including a lady friend who decided to tie the knots three months after the ink on the divorce paper dried up, proceeded to get pregnant and then six months down the road found the marriage incompatible.

However, rebound relationships may not be all that bad. It is actually a process all together. A process to heal and be healed. To bring back the self esteem, to feel loved and wanted again. To be with oneself again. Some sort of a life discovery of new and re discovering old forgotten feelings that was buried in the depth of the old relationships.

Sometimes, you may find your self again and maybe your true love at the end. The trick is to take your time and enjoy the journey.

G Spot – Do You Have It?

An article over the oh-elusive G-Spot for women has gotten me tickled pink. Theres the good news. And the bad news. The good news is, it does exists. The bad new is not every woman has it. The article has also suggested that a “woman without the visible G spot cannot have a virginal orgasm”.

Hey, I thought its all about the techniques and a caring partner? I mean, show me a woman who thinks she knows she has G spot but cant orgasm because the partner kept on asking, “Did I hit the right spot, darling?”, and I can point you to a long line out there.

So, how would you know whether you have one or not? This article may be able to help you to look for this spot.

You can read the entire article here and then go figure out whether you have it or not.

Trust And Faith

Sometimes I tend to look back and realised that once in a while we put forth our faith and trust in a situation or a person so completely we forget that we should evaluate the scenario once in a while from deep inside ourselves. A friend told me that maybe it would be a good idea once in a while we just try not to be in complete control over the future so that we can fully enjoy the present moment. Not an easy thing if you’re from where I came from.

I dont know how to react to this statement.

I got married when I was pretty young, 21 years old to be exact. He was 26. We got married after a long friendship that spanned over 7 years. Looking at where I came from, it was a very difficult decision that I ever made. My parents were divorced, three times mind you (yeah…different post on this one..maybe) and the pain, confusion and loneliness just hit you like nobody’s business. I guess it was more of the pain and confusion that make me apprehensive about a committed relationship such as a marriage and I vowed that I would never get into that situation – ever.

But, I guess God has other plans. We weathered the marriage for the longest time, going through the motion without addressing any real issues that cropped up. We averted issues by not discussing it at all. It was up to a point where I would be writing what I felt, all pent up inside, on a piece of paper then bringing it home and carelessly leaving it on the dresser as if wanting him to find out what I felt inside.

I was scared that I might get old alone. I needed someone to be with.

I had faith that when I plunged myself in a marriage, I trusted that I would have someone to love and to cherish me till the day I die. I had faith in the little instituition we built. But not all were rose tinted I do realise now.

You need more than faith, trust and love to survive in a relationships.

You need communication – a good whole dose of it! You need to communicate what is inside you without fear. Besides who who would be the best person to know your innermost secret that your life partner who were supposed to weather any storm in life or wake up to the sunshine in the morning, together with you.

The minute you have the fear to express what is deep inside you, then you know there is something more than what is above the surface.

Why do you have that fear? Is it because of its possible retribution? Fear that your partner might no longer look at you in how you want him to? Lost your desirability? Attractiveness? Now he will only sees you with all your faults and not as the perfect person? What if you initiate something new in the bedroom and just when you get cosy your partner asked you, “Where did you learn this?”, when you both knew that it is an exclusive relationship?

Maybe another scenario may take that the initiating partner did have some sort of that experience and is now wanting to please the new parner. She may feel a bit intimidated and fear that he might think she has gone a little easy in the past. Tricky question with and equally tricky answer.

Male and female without doubt has weird mind set up altogether. What a man might consider as little issues may not be the case for the woman. Now, heres the tricky bit. The man might not express his thoughts as clearly as possible thinking the woman might read his mind. The woman in return, may think that he is not communicative enough of his feelings and thus making it difficult for her to understand why the man is so aloof when at home after work.

Men generally are difficult to express their feelings about certain issues, I found out.

Women tend to flock together to discuss what or how they feel over issues.

Typical scenario may look like this:

Man to man over a new hair cut

Man 1: “New hair cut?”

Man 2: “Yeah”

End of conversation.

Woman to woman over a new hair cut

Woman 1: “Wow! Is that a new hair cut??”

Woman 2: “Yes! Do you like it?”

Woman 1: “It looks great! Where is this hairdresser? The new styling brings out your best features.”

Woman 2: “Thanks…(giggles)..I could give you the number and check out the place. Maybe we could go together next time?”

…..And it goes on and on and on…

See the difference?

Pet Peeves (Ranting)

Pet Peeves  Some people say that your past experiences, how you were raised, developed throughout the years and all that jazz will shape you as an individual. How you treat your life, spouse and children or how you perceive the future life will all depend on these. Sometimes, what you learn along the way will sort of give you ideas on what your next steps to be and what you will look out for. Or not. Well, thanks to my past experiences, I have a long list of what my pet peeves look like:  

  1. MLM newbies. Stop. Bothering. Me. Please. I really don’t care how many PVs I can generate for myself when I simply said to you I just want to use the products that you sell. The concept at least to me is pretty simple. I like your products. I want to buy. You sell. If I like it I will buy some more.

  1. Club Membership Telemarketeer. Which part of my “no” that you don’t understand when I refuse to buy your buy one-get 12 free meals coupons. By the way, where on earth did you get my private phone number?

  1. Beggars who prowl food courts with three healthy looking children in tow. They don’t even look like the “mother”. I personally saw an old man came begging for money at a local food court. After his round of collection, a Waja car came to pick him up and proceeded to stop in front of Victoria Station Steak House nearby. Guessed all the people were paying for his piece of steak.

  1. The great Nigerian scams. Ah…what can I say….from princesses, princes, sons , daughters and even attorneys to wealthy Nigerian politicians whose father, mother, heck- an entire clan- killed by some jealous rivals. None of them allow me to invest in my own great Hanie’s Chili Flavoured Condom manufacturing facility.

  1. Dentist. Blame it on a bad experience when I was 12. I went to the Government dentist to pull out an overgrown molar. The dentist told me it wasn’t going to be painful. He lied. I spent half of my life spending huge investments in dental care simply because I told myself I will not step into another dentist’s chair as long as I live.

  1. Pregnant woman. Don’t get me wrong. I was pregnant before but I had a tough time. I developed post natal blues and no one really realized it much less my then other half. I knew there was something wrong with me but wasn’t sure what it was. Naturally, looking at pregnant women will trigger these bad memories. Maternity hospitals give me the same feeling. Someone told me I need severe therapy for this kind of thinking.

  1. Screaming children in a restaurant. No, it is not okay for them playing and running my table. Not cute at all. I will go to the playground when I want to watch children playing catch.

  1. Kuala Lumpur Bukit Aman Police HQ. Umm…long story… until now I will not even make a detour to that route even if you point a gun to my head.

  1. A clean sweep and bordering to insanely loathsome and severe hatred for most Filipina and Sabahan girls. Makes me sick to the depth of my stomach.  In fact, I am puking as I write this.

  1. Most Malay men (and married one at that) who thought they are God-send to women. No, I am not interested to look at your new apartments as well, thank you. Neither do I want to waste my phone credits in replying to your silly messages. And no, I don’t think circumcised dicks have better personality than those uncut look. Its your personality that matters and why are you telling me this again?

  1. Most married Malay men who tell me how lonesome they are because the wives are not sexy and don’t entertain in bed anymore. Go get yourself a proper couple counseling or get a divorce, then come talk to me, you swine! And in that order too.

  1. Almost anything Irish. That includes The Coors and anyone who goes by the name of Jack.

  1. Anyone by the name of Nelson or Hairiz. Ugh. Please leave your employment application forms by the door and don’t ever come back.

  1. Anyone by the name of Faizal or Zairuddin. I will befriend you with a pinch, no make that a sackful, of salt.

  1. Religious fanatics. Hollier than thou bunch. Whatever religion that is, I really don’t care what faith you practice but just don’t come near me sprouting your wisdoms and whatnots, and thinking how you are above everyone else who doesn’t share your views. Get a life!

  1. All the old aunties and uncles who think that I will look better wearing baju kurung and headscarves 24/7. I don’t share graves with you and neither will I meet my Maker with you in tow. I dress to please myself and no one else. And no, Im not that stupid to wear bikinis to work.

  1. SILs, BILs and MIL or whatever that ends with ILs who thinks they deserve to have a few words on me raising my daughter. As much as I appreciate your concerns and wants to play an active role in her upbringing, it does not include brainwashing her on what a bad parent I am, neither telling her I cant feed her 3 square meals a day. I have a few choiced words to you people, and they are not pretty.

  1. Women drivers who are like lunatics and act as if they left their brains and pair of eyes back home the minute they start the ignition and press on the gas pedal. These women bring shame to the gender. For God’s sake, please learn and master the simple corner maneuvering, side parking, reverse parking and changing a flat tyre. The side mirror is not meant for you to check on your lipsticks only. It is there for other reason.

  1. Myspace new friends who ding dong-ed questions on what colour are my panties for the day. No, you will not judge me simply when you saw a picture of me in a club a few weeks back. Listen to this too – you telling me how much you make in a year will not impress me to bits, ok?

  1. IM new friends. Yes, I have a working cam, and no, I am not interested to see how big your tool is. Please don’t bullshit me that you don’t have a cam when I see the indicator says that you do. Please also don’t tell me that you are in Europe when the time you just told me is the same as in my timeline. I know how many hours is London behind Kuala Lumpur.

  1. Do not interrupt me when I am talking. I have given you my time to listen to your reasoning and rant. It is my time now. Wait for your turn.